Insta Friday

This week has been loooong and has unfortunately revolved around the fact that I'm sick. Still. I am slowly starting to feel better thanks to my visit to the Minute Clinic the other day though. And these babies are helping me out, though antibiotics and my stomach do NOT get along. Hello, nausea.



My illness did not stop me from having a beer or two last weekend however. (Sometimes you've just got to suck it up and power through.) Had it been any other beer, I would have passed, but this beer is my favorite from a local brewery here in Nashville. We've recently discovered that a beer store close to our house has a tap of this brew, and will refill our growler for a small fee. This revelation could lead to trouble.



On Sunday, we went grocery shopping and decided to check out a new yogurt shop in the area called Berry Bear. And thus, a new addiction is born. This place is so awesome. They have 18 flavors of frozen yogurt to chose from and 36 (I think I counted that right) different toppings you can add. It's self serve, so you decide how much yogurt to add to your bowl, and you dress it with your choice of toppings. They weigh it once you've created your bowl and charge by the ounce. It was fun for the kids and SO delicious. I picture us spending lots of time here.



AND...they have a cool sink in the bathroom that I someday would like to have in my dream house, thankyouverymuch.



The rest of the week has been a haze of working, pumping, taking care of the kiddos and muddling through the best I can.

I did snap some shots of my "pump room" because it is so near and dear to my heart. I've pumped in this room for 15 months (and counting), so she and I have a history now. And yes ladies, it's a bathroom. Don't be jealous! Honestly, I don't mind that much. I'm the only person who uses the room (we have several other restrooms in the office), and it's nice that it has a sink so that I can clean my supplies at the end of each session. What I don't particularly care for is that our cleaning service uses this room as their storage area. It's not a problem per se, it just doesn't make for the prettiest scenery.



And this is where the magic happens. Behold, the beauty of my Medela.
(Cue bright lights and angels singing.)
Seriously though, I love this thing, and couldn't have made the breastfeeding relationship I have with my babe work so well without it.



Proof that one of my boobs is a show off and a total over achiever.



It's all worth it to be able to do this though. I love this time with my girl. And I'm holding on to it as long as I can.



Happy weekend,
L

Drama King

Will has a flair for the dramatics. (Disclaimer: he did NOT inherit this from me.) Allow me to demonstrate.

Will: (in the whiniest voice possible) Mommy, Sis wants my Explorer.

Me: Well, it would be nice if you could share it with your sister. You've been playing with it for a while now.

Will: (cranks whine up an octave) But, she'll just EAT it! Is that what you want!? Do you want her to eat it!?

Me: Will, she doesn't even know how to play. She just wants to pretend, she'll be over it in a minute, and you can have it back.

Will: (indignantly hands Explorer to his sister) FINE! I won't play with anything then! I just won't ever play with anything ever, ever again!! (Huffs and crosses arms across chest)

Me: (stares blankly)

Will: You don't want me to play with anything, do you!? You don't even like me, do you!?

Me: You're being silly, Will. Of course I like you, but you need to share with your sister.

Will: (pouting) You want a new son, don't you??

Me: Don't say that, Bud. No, I don't want a new son.

Avery bores of Explorer, drops it on the ground, and moves on to the next thing.

Will: (smiling as if nothing happened) My turn!

I am left wondering silently what on earth just happened and how long this "I Must Have Every Toy He/She Has" stage will last.

If you know the answer to that question, please don't tell me.

L

Team Milner

I'm not going to go in to how insanely busy I have been. I'm sure my absence here speaks for itself. I could give you a play by play of how jam packed my days have become, but it's nothing you haven't heard before. I think we all have those periods in our lives when we overextend, put our heads down, and push forward as best we can. We all experience times when we seriously question why days can't be longer than 24 hours.

Single parents, especially those with more than one job, have officially become my new heroes. Simply because I don't know how I would make it through, emotionally or logistically, without the help of my husband right now. I would say that having someone by my side fighting the good fight is what is most important. But that's not true. Because having just any "someone" wouldn't do. It's having Rob there with me that makes it all worthwhile. He isn't just my husband or my best friend. He is, in every sense of the word, my partner. We work together for the good of our little family. He cooks dinner, I clean the kitchen. I teach Zumba, he hangs with the kids while I'm at class. I read books, he tells bedtime stories. I change diapers, he changes diapers. You get the point. He has never made me feel as though I'm in this marriage or parenting thing on my own. His heart is in this game just as much as mine is. Knowing that makes all the little sacrifices not seem like sacrifices at all. And looking in the faces of those little ones that we love so desperately, I know that all this "hard work" is actually a blessing and a privilege. Thank you, God for trusting us with the lives of these children. We're doing the best we can.

L

4am

I wake and watch you sleep.
The tiny glimmer of street lights outside make the night in our bed more gray than black.
I study your features as best I can in the haze.
Yours is a face that I've come to know, so my memory fills in what the darkness leaves out.
Our baby girl sleeps sweetly between us.
Her face somehow even more precious than in her wakefulness.
She stirs and nurses quietly on my breast.
Her tiny hand grips my night gown.
Her little toes press gently against my stomach.
Her eyes never open.
After a few moments, her latch loosens and releases me as she suckles the air desperately before succumbing to sleep.
I slip quietly and carefully from bed to go look at our boy.
The dim light from his fish tank gives me a view of his face.
He sleeps upside down in his bed with his pillow at the foot.
His sandy blond curls contrast bluntly against the red pillowcase.
I stare at him for longer than I can recall, losing all concept of time.
He is the ultimate culmination of the two of us,
So much you and so much me, all at the same time.
I can't fathom a more perfect boy.
I bend to tuck the covers around his skinny body.
His eyes blink sleepily as he wakens just for a moment, somewhere between dreams and reality.
"Daddy?" he asks.
"No Buddy, it's Mommy."
"I want my Daddy."
"Okay Bud. Go back to sleep, and I'll get Daddy."
I smile recalling the many times he asks for you, his best friend.
He is, of course though, dreaming again before I can leave his room.
I slide back under our covers gently, nuzzling next to our girl again.
I close my eyes and listen to the stillness of our home as we all breathe softly in unison.
I reflect again on our little family as I drift back to sleep, imagining our four hearts beating in time.
Even my best dreams don't compare to this.

Friday's Photo (Zzzzzz...Edition)

I'm really on a roll this morning. I think this is the first time that I've ever posted in the AM. (No, I didn't drink more sugar.) I've got a very busy day ahead, so I thought I should get this post in before things get crazy.

This is a rare sight.

It's not that she's sleeping that makes this photo rare, it's that she's sleeping without me. You see, my girl has always been really attached to her mom. Since she came out and pressed her tiny little feet onto my belly to work her way up to my breast, she's been hooked. So for that reason and the many other benefits of co-sleeping, she has always slept snuggled in beside me to sleep every night. It makes it SO much easier to nurse, as I pretty much sleep through her breastfeeding at night. It's wonderful bonding time for not only she and I, but for she and Rob as well. We've talked about how nice it is to wake up and see her sweet face first thing in the morning. My heart melts every time.

So, when I say that I'm nervous about tonight because this will be the very first time that she and I have slept apart from each other, maybe you'll understand. Rob and I are taking a short overnight trip to Knoxville so that I can get certified to instruct Zumba. It's something that I've been wanting to do for a long time, and I finally got the guts to quit putting it off and just do it. I'm really looking forward to attending the class and having a night for just Rob and I. I must admit, however, I am afraid of how my girl is going to handle it. I keep having these terrible visions of her screaming all night and my dad and step mom pacing the floor with her. I really hope that doesn't happen. It would be awesome to feel like I can leave her overnight every now and then should Mommy and Daddy want some Mommy and Daddy time. Cross your fingers, pray, do Hail Marys, or whatever it is that you think may help Sis (and I) get through this night with as few tears as possible.

I'll update with a full weekend report on Monday.

Happy Weekend,
L

Friday's Photo (Brothers & Sisters Edition)

At first glance, my kiddos don't look that much alike sitting side by side. Will was born with little to no hair and has always been thin as a rail. Avery, however, came out with a head full of jet black hair and is a chunky little monkey. Since Will is 3 & 1/2 now, and has that "boy"look to him instead of the "baby" look, it's hard to see them in each other.

But when you compare their baby pictures, something crazy happens. They look like the same kid! Same mouth, same round cheeks, same blue eyes and the same "What'chu talkin' bout Willis" (RIP Gary Coleman) look on their face.

See for yourself.

Will at 4 months

Avery at 4 months

So much the same on the outside, yet so different on the in. Both perfect in their own way. I adore those kids.

Happy weekend,
L

A Tale of Two Births

There has been much chatter and debate in the blogosphere over the past week when this article came out about a study that was published in regards to breastfeeding. It's research indicates that breastfeeding saves thousands of lives and billions of dollars, yet shows that only 14% of women are still exclusively breastfeeding their babies at 6 months old . Many mothers who stopped breastfeeding and switched to formula (for a variety of different reasons) came out in full force claiming this was just another thing designed to make mothers feel guilty. I have read so many different opinions on the issue, and finally decided I should throw mine out there as well. After all, I am very passionate about breastfeeding and the impact it has on babies and their mothers.

First of all, I don't feel as though The World Health Organization, The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Family Physicians and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention all got together and said, "Let's put our heads together and see how we can make new moms who formula feed their babies feel guilty. I know, we'll publish reports that show that breastfeeding is the optimal form of nutrition for infants. That should guilt them into nursing." I believe that the research is what it is, scientific evidence, and the article was written as a matter of fact, and was not coming from a place of opinions or bias toward either side. I know how trying breastfeeding can be. I know the trials and tribulations that a new mother can go through. I know how hard it is to hear your baby scream into your boob because he's hungry and you can't figure out proper latching. I know what it feels like to pump your cracked nipples for half an hour in a tiny bathroom at work only to produce two ounces. Believe me, I KNOW. So, when I read this follow up piece this morning, I wanted to stand from my seat and cheer. Because we shouldn't feel guilty if we "failed" at breastfeeding, we should feel slighted. To me, the bottom line is that we need more support, encouragement and resources available to us when it comes to breastfeeding.

Here are my two very different birth experiences which impacted my nursing relationships. They so closely resembled what Melissa is talking about in her piece that I couldn't deny it. Read her follow up article first, then read my stories and tell me, are all of the similarities just coincidence? I think not.

My 1st birth and breastfeeding experience with my son, Will
I visited a traditional OB throughout my pregnancy, and was told in my 37th week that I was going to have a big baby. I began having some very mild contractions when I was 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant, and rushed to the hospital, because I was a first time mother who was completely naive and thought that's what you do when you feel the first contraction. That's what they do on TV, right? I arrived at the hospital, was told that I was only dilated to 2 centimeters and my contractions were 8 minutes apart. The nurses on staff called my OB and he told them to keep me since it looked as though I was going to have a big baby anyway, and they would "help to get things moving along." They immediately started me on Pitocin, broke my water, and about 3 hours later, I requested an epidural because I had heard that was the thing to do when the pain was too intense. The Pitocin sent my baby's heart into distress, the epidural bottomed my BP out. I was a mess. After several hours and only dilating to 5, the OB came in to give me the bad news, I would need a c-section to get the baby out. He was worried about the decels in his heart rate and we needed to do this for the safety of the baby. I cried as they wheeled me down to the OR. I vomited when they administered more meds in my IV to help me relax. When my son was delivered, I heard him cry and they rushed him to the warmer, rubbed him off and bundled him up in a tight swaddle. Despite being told the previous week that I was going to have a big baby, Will weighed 7 pounds and 4 ounces at birth.

This was the first time I saw him

They let me have one free hand to touch him (the other was still strapped to the table) and then they rushed him off to the NICU because he had some fluid left in his lungs since he didn't pass through the birth canal. I told my husband to go with our son to make sure he was okay, and I was taken to my postpartum room alone. I sat there, reflecting back on everything that had just happened. I was sad. I was disappointed. I wanted to see my baby. Even though I was numb from the epidural, my body ached for my child. That, I could feel. Minutes turned into an hour, and I still hadn't held my baby. I started to get anxious and emotional. I kept asking the nurses to see him, but they said the NICU was getting him cleaned up and clearing out his lungs and that he would be in my room as soon as they finished with him. I asked if I could go down to see him, but since I had a c-section and epidural, they wouldn't let me stand up for a while. Time kept passing and by the time that one hour had turned into two and I still didn't have my baby, I was bawling my eyes out begging for him. The nurses reminded me again that they were still working on him and offered to give me a sedative since I was so upset. I refused.

Finally, after about 3 hours since his birth, my son was brought to me. He had been bathed, was sleeping and swaddled in a blanket. I tried to nurse him, but he wouldn't wake up. He was exhausted from all that he had been through and slept for a while. When he did wake up, he was really hungry, but we had latching issues. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get him to latch on. He was crying, I was crying, and my husband was watching on not knowing what to do for either of us. The nurses said they would call lactation to come and help me, but by the time they got there, he was so frustrated, we didn't make any headway. They said we would try later, but in the meantime they gave him some formula from a special needs bottle, because that, he would take.

By the time we left the hospital 3 days later, he still hadn't nursed and was drinking formula. He was also quite attached to a pacifier. He was a little bit jaundice as well, and we were sent home with instructions to keep trying to get him to latch on and nurse and put him in sunlight to help with his color. After a few days at home with him drinking formula, and my continuous attempts to nurse him, he finally got the hang of it and latched on to my breast. I was so relieved! I nursed him exclusively from that moment forward until I went back to work at 10 weeks, and then I pumped upon returning to work and he got my milk from a bottle. We never even considered co-sleeping and weren't aware of the benefits of it, so Will slept in his crib from the night we brought him home from the hospital. Especially after returning to work, I found myself exhausted from getting up to go nurse in the middle of the night. Also, soon after I started back to work, I saw my milk production go down. I called lactation consultants for advice and was given some great tips to boost my supply. When Will started sleeping through the night and not waking to nurse, I was still getting up every 2 hours to pump so that I could increase my supply. By the time he was 8 months old, he weaned and that was the end of our breastfeeding relationship. I was sad for it to end.

My 2nd birth and breastfeeding experience with my daughter, Avery
After educating myself as much as I could, I was dead set on attempting an unmedicated, VBAC. I fired my OB and went with a midwife practice and a doula for my next pregnancy and delivery. The pregnancy was uncomplicated, just as my previous one had been. I took a home study course on Hypnobirthing and practiced daily with affirmations and scripts to prepare myself. Two days before my expected due date, I was lying in bed when my water broke. We took our time and went to the hospital and I finally got the VBAC that I had been dreaming of. Since I just recently posted her birth story, I won't repeat it all again now, but you can find it here.

My experience was so much different than my first. The moment I pushed Avery out, they placed her on my chest skin to skin. She cried loudly, then snuggled in and nuzzled me, moving her tiny body up with a push of her little legs and feet. We waited for the cord to stop pulsating and Rob cut it free. Within moments, she was latched onto my breast and was nursing calmly. She stayed there for a good 45 minutes suckling as the midwife and nurses quietly cleaned up and allowed my husband and I time with our baby. They told us to let them know when we were ready and they would weigh her and do her Apgar tests. They never attempted to take her from me, nor did they wipe my smell from her body. She and I just lay there together, chest to chest. She stared at me. I stared at her. Rob watched us together and hugged and kissed us.

Finally I had to get up to go to the restroom, so we allowed them to take her to weigh her and do her Apgar screening. They did it all in the room right there with Rob, my mom and I watching on, and when they were finished, they handed her back to me and she fell asleep in my arms. I held her as they wheeled me down to my postpartum room and she stayed with me there for the majority of the hospital visit. She was never bathed at the hospital as we didn't feel it was necessary, and the nurses never pushed or even suggested it. She continued to nurse just as well as she had during the first moments of her life, though she was really sleepy those first few days and I would have a little trouble waking her up sometimes.

We have been co-sleeping since we brought her home from the hospital and she and I both sleep very well at night. I never got the quality of rest I do now when I was getting out of my bed each night to go nurse Will. I actually get a full night's sleep and wake up feeling rested, which is something that a lot of new moms only hope for. Avery is still nursing like a champ, and since I started back to work 3 weeks ago, I have an oversupply of milk when I pump. Each day, I pump enough milk at work to supply her for the next day and store several bags in the freezer. After only being back for 3 weeks, I have almost a 3 weeks supply stored should she go through a growth spurt or I have a dip in production. I look forward to continuing our breastfeeding relationship. It is one of the most precious things that I shared with Will when he was a baby, and I am again loving the connection I find while nursing Avery.

Both of my experiences, though total opposites of each other, have been beautiful in their own ways. Will was my first child. I had no idea what I was in store for. I was uneducated and naive, but I fought hard to nurse him and overcome the obstacles that were handed to us. I'm so glad I did, and am proud of how he and I worked together to form that relationship. With Avery, things have been easy when it comes to nursing, and she is really attached to me as a result, just as she has been from the moment she left my body. I hope that more women out there will take my stories, educate themselves, stand up and demand more support as nursing mothers. After caring and nurturing our babies for 9 to 10 months inside our wombs, we need the support and encouragement that will make it easier for us to care for and nurture them outside the womb. We deserve that. Our babies deserve it.

Will moments after his birth, getting wiped down under the heat lamps

Avery moments after her birth, meeting us face to face and warming herself on mommy's body

I could say so much more...
L

Opposites

I fell off the face of the Earth for a while. Also known as, I had a baby and my whole life turned upside down. I've said it before, but Will was a very simple, laid back, and easy child. He slept, he nursed every 3 hours or so, he smiled, and he rarely cried. He and his baby sis are the complete opposite in every sense of the word. She loves to be held, and gets rather upset if you dare to put her down. She also loves to nurse. If she had it her way, she would stay attached to my boob for about 20 out of every 24 hours. She had a penchant for crying as well. She cried A LOT the first 6 weeks of her life. The Dr. said colic was to blame, and it felt nice to have a label or a reason to place upon the 2 hours of screaming that would take place in our house every night, but it didn't give us a solution for it. "Just wait it out, that's all you can do." So, we did. We walked, and bounced, and shushed, and rocked, and swaddled, and burped, and swung, and sang to her. There were nights when I looked at her and begged, "Please, just tell me what I can do." "Please, go to sleep." "Please, stop crying." Of course, my pleas were not answered, so we just kept doing what we knew to do until one day, she stopped crying, started smiling, and started sleeping. She sleeps next to me, always has, nuzzled in the crook of my arm each night. She loves it there. She loves my smell. She loves to sleep nurse ever so quietly. She loves me. She needs me. And I'm there for her. Nothing is more fulfilling than that.

Avery is a high need baby and I love her for that more than anything. I don't fault her for "quirks", I embrace her because of them. I love that she's emotional and passionate. I love that she's serious and clingy. I love her because she is so different from Will, not in spite of it. And I love him more now for the child that he is, because of the child that she is. I never suspected that motherhood would give me this gift. It's been the biggest surprise of this journey so far. Two children who are so opposite from each other, yet still a part of me. Still a part of Rob. Two children who I love more than life itself, for all their many differences.


I'm back,
L

Avery's Birth Day

Yes, I am a slacker. I had Avery 11 days ago, and I am just now getting around to updating my blog. But hey, in my defense, I had a baby 11 days ago, so life has been a bit busier than usual. Here is the story of her birth along with some pics.

I started having some contractions around 9pm on Friday the 15th. Nothing too intense, so I thought they were just more Braxton Hicks. I was tired and decided to lay in bed and watch TV at around 10. Contractions were still coming, but they weren't that bad. At about 10:40, I felt a pop. I knew it was different than anything I had felt before. I laid there for a couple more minutes and stood up. Water just poured out. I called for Rob and he was able to come in and get a towel underneath me before I had the chance to ruin our carpet. He started to get a little frantic as I stood there laughing at him, pouring water out. We called my parents because they were coming to stay with Will since he was sleeping. The midwife had told me on Thursday that as long as I was at the hospital within a couple of hours, it should be fine. (I had tested positive for Strep B and would need antibiotics administered during the course of my labor.) My parents left right away and live an hour from our place.

As soon as my water broke, I started having pretty strong contractions. I bounced around on my birthing ball, put my relaxation scripts on my IPod and got into hypnosis. I felt really good then. Lots of pressure, but no pain at all.

When my parents arrived at our house, we left and headed to the hospital. We did have to turn the car around and come back to the house after we got about a mile down the road, because we realized that after all that packing we had done, we actually forgot to put the suitcase in the car. Nice. At this point, my contractions were every 3 to 4 minutes apart and getting stronger. While in the car, I continued listening to my scripts and turning myself to the"off" position (a Hypnobabies practice). We arrived at the hospital and got checked in. All the rooms were full and they were cleaning the room that I would be in, so they asked us to wait in the waiting room for a while. The nurse didn't think I was very far along anyway because I was so calm going through the contractions. She estimated me to be about 2 centimeters just from watching me go through a contraction. When we got into the room at 1am (about 5 minutes later), the midwife checked me and was pretty surprised to find out that I was at 6 and most likely in transition. My contractions were now every 2 minutes apart, but I was still able to stay in the groove of my hypnosis, which helped me so much. Rob and our doula were wonderful too, and I couldn't have done it without them. They were talking me through each contraction, encouraging me and using cue words from Hypnobabies to trigger me to relax. I labored mostly on my knees, on the bed with my arms draped over the top because that position felt best. I also had the doula putting a lot of counter pressure on my back. I didn't realize how hard I was having her do it, but after Avery was born, she said, "Man, I bet your back is going to be sore tomorrow. You kept telling me to press harder and harder." I guess she was right because I actually had some bruising on my lower back the next day from it.

Because I was able to stay so calm, the labor progressed quickly. I was breathing deeply through each contraction, making low tone sounds and keeping my jaw loose to help open me up. I asked if they would check me again at almost 3am and I was at 9 centimeters.

At 3:40, I felt my body starting to push by itself which was a crazy feeling, because I wasn't initiating the pushing, my body was just doing it on it's own. The midwife checked me and said I was complete and could push when I wanted with my next contraction. The pushing felt SO good. It was like a huge release. I was on all fours pushing and got her worked down pretty far. Then I went into a squatting position and pushed some more. My legs were pretty shaky, so I had to move from that position pretty quickly. When she started to crown, I got on my back, pulled my legs out and pushed her the rest of the way out in that position. I was still using my hypnosis and cues, so I never felt the "ring of fire," though I did have a small tear that required 2 stitches.

Avery Wynn was born at 4:26am after being in my hospital room for less than 3 & 1/2 hours. She immediately latched on to my breast and nursed for about 45 minutes. About an hour after she was born, they weighed and measured her while I went to the bathroom for the first time. OUCH! She weighed 7 pounds 12 ounces and is 20 inches long. She has a head full of dark hair and has stolen our hearts already. Here we are 11 days later and I still can't stop staring at her. She's so alert and calm (most of the time). She's amazing.

After the delivery, the nurse kept going on and on about how she has never been a part of one like that before. It was fairly quiet, really calm and relaxing. No yelling, screaming or cussing. haha She couldn't believe how well my hypnosis worked and said she was bragging to all the other nurses about it. It just so happened to be her birthday too, which was pretty cool.

I had the "natural childbirth high" that I kept hearing about after my delivery and I never expected it to be that intense. The nurse told me that the adrenaline was coming, but WOW. I had so much energy and adrenaline pulsing through my body that my teeth were literally chattering and my whole body was just shaking like a leaf. I was sitting on the toilet and my knees were knocking together. Crazy stuff! I only slept 2 hours in about a 40 hour time span and I didn't feel tired at all. I was so happy and awake. Our bodies are really amazing.

We brought our girl home on Monday, and have since been adjusting to life as a family of four. She eats well, sleeps a lot (until the middle of the night rolls around) and has captured all of our hearts. Before I had her, I couldn't imagine how our lives would be once she arrived. Now, I can't imagine life without her. It's like she has always been here as part of our family. Will loves her and is such an awesome big brother already. He has adjusted to her beautifully, and though I didn't think it was possible, I love him more now that I have her. I love her. I love my family. I'm tired. I'm a little sore still. I'm not as clean and put together as I would like to be, but I couldn't be happier.





Till next time,
L