Thursday, July 30, 2009

Wish List

Sometimes, life is such that all I can wish for is wisdom. This week has been one of those glowing examples. Now that Rob and I are not only responsible for ourselves, but for the lives of two other people, our choices weigh much more heavily than before. We can't make decisions without thinking through every possible scenario and exploring all the what-ifs. The choices we make now can and will effect the lives of our children potentially for years to come, and that is an enormous load to carry.

A few weeks ago, we started discussing the prospect of selling our home. We have a tiny, little house now that has been good to us for almost three years and has served it's purpose. But, we feel as though we have outgrown it, and that's even before we bring another person into the mix. Our third "bedroom" doesn't have a closet, so there is no storage space for the new baby. Our bathroom is so small, you can't fit two people in there comfortably. And we don't have much of a back yard where Will can go out and play. So, when we couple all of that with the fact that the house isn't even 1000 square feet, we decided that we should put it on the market, and spring for something bigger to accommodate our growing family. Sounds pretty simple, right? We thought so.

Shake some sense into me the next time I get excited and think that something is going to be easy. Things hardly ever are.

Earlier in the week, I thought I should call Will's daycare and find out how much extra we are going to have to pay for the new baby to attend. I knew they offered a sibling discount, but I wasn't expecting it to be so small. Little did I know, we are going to be paying double what we pay now to send both kids to daycare each month. After all is said and done, childcare is going to cost us half of my monthly income. This broke my heart for several reasons, the first being that there is nothing that I would love more than to be a stay at home mom to our kids. Financially, that is just not in the cards for us right now however. Also, the fact that our childcare costs are going to double pretty much squashes the dream of buying a bigger home right now. In theory, we could still afford it, but it would be a struggle. And you know what, I don't like to struggle. Especially with a toddler and a new baby in tow.

Needless to say, as a mom and a compulsive worrier, this has really clouded my head. I feel like I've been driving around in a thick fog this week, and I just can't quite see what is up ahead no matter how bright I turn my lights on. I'm waiting for it to clear. Waiting to have some clarity come in and make things evident. Until then, I'm tossing and turning at night wondering which direction all of this will take us. Such is life, I guess.



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