Friday, April 10, 2009

Dirty Little Secret

There are many things that will happen to you and your body that no one seems to mention before you have a baby. There are lots of ugly truths that aren't in the What to Expect When You're Expecting guide. Don't get me wrong, they do a great job of suffiently scaring the living daylights out of you. You may find yourself afraid to go to sleep at night for fear you may roll the wrong way, land of a vein, and block off the baby's blood supply. No joke, it's in the book.

What they don't tell you are things like this; lactation consultants will swarm your room shortly after you've slaved through 16 hours of labor, grab you by the boobs and start milking you like a dairy cow. This is the point of motherhood when you lose every ounce of modesty you once had. It only takes a few minutes of them smashing, squeezing and showing you how to make a "hamburger" with your boobs while shoving them in the mouth of a screaming newborn that your dignity goes flying out the window. They also fail to mention that after you pump your milk, your nipples will take on a new life. They will stick out about an inch from your boob and look all flat and lifeless. You won't regognize them. They're a bit scary even. I guess if you think about the dynamics of a breast pump, it's pretty easy to predict this would be the outcome, but you just aren't concerned with things like that at the moment. You will look at your poor nipples, apologize profusely for the abuse, slap on some nipple cream on and go back to your desk to process payroll. This is the life of a working mom.

The one thing that I really have a beef about however, is the loss of bladder control. I have friends with kids. I have a mom, a grandmother, aunts and neighbors who all have given birth before. And I must say that I'm a little miffed that none of them thought to grab me by my shoulders, look my in the eyes and say, "You're going to pee on yourself after this baby comes." Is a little heads up too much to ask for? Kegels don't help. I did those suckers every day of my life for a straight eight months and I still have a dribble here and there. Having a c-section doesn't help either, just so you know. You body still knows that a human has been inside you and proceeds with letting a tiny bit of pee escape when you're least expecting it. So, here's my advice to expecting and new moms when it comes to this dirty little secret.

1. Accept that the phantom dribble is a reality.
2. As soon as you have an inkling that you may need to go to the bathroom, run for it.
3. When you open the door to the bathroom, don't look at the toliet. There is something inside our heads that triggers the dribble when a toliet is spotted and you are two steps away from getting your undies down.

If with all of these tips, you still happen to experience the dribble, (and you will) know that you are not alone. We've all stood in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and felt embarrassed for ourselves. It happens to the best of us. And though it sounds like a total cliche, believe or not, it really is worth it.

Happy Friday!



  1. This is not exclusive to women that have given birth, sister! I was told by an older (no kid havin) female friend to expect more of this little cruel joke from Mother Nature as the years go by. : )

  2. Isnt that really cruel!! I've had two kids... and both times the experience is different!! So I guess they do the best they can with the book.. Lucky for me.. (or not so lucky!!).. both kids didnt fancy breast feeding... But the nurses in the hospital... looked at me like I had a disease or something!!!

    And yes... the joys of being a woman.. is definitely heading straight to the toilet.

  3. How true is this? I remember being the hospital with Noah and peeing all over myself because I thought I would be able to hold it by the time I got to the bathroom, umm No. I dont know why this isnt mentioned to mothers to be!